pack up your troubles in your old kit-bag and then find a separate bag for your school supplies. this one’s full of troubles.

Look at Ke$ha.  Now look at a shaved ape.  Ke$ha again.  Once more, shaved ape.  Now have you ever seen Ke$ha and shaved ape in the same place?  I’m not saying, I’m just saying.

the tallest man on earth – “king of spain”

Just ignore the fact that The Tallest Man On Earth apparently CAN sing and just doesn’t really feel like it.  And the fact that the video is some kind of picture collage of the guy.  And the fact that one-man bands with band names that aren’t their actual names is stupid.  And the fact that this is a pretty shaky monarchical campaign.

rumors i heard about jeremy schaftel

He was born with a lady’s tail.

His G-spot is in his butt, and he’ll let you touch it if you buy him a panini.

He can’t whistle because his lips are fake and can’t purse.

He always has a pack of Corn Chips on him, cause he’s addicted to Corn Chips.

He only understands every 4th word you tell him, unless you’re talking about Corn Chips.

His knees bend the wrong way, like an ostrich’s knees.

His sleep number is absolute 100, I don’t even know why he bought a mattress the floor is RIGHT THERE!

He can frost glass.

He’s allergic to khaki.

He doesn’t know that I film him.

There’s a specific frequency of sound that he can’t here, and it’s unfortunately the exact frequency of all automobiles.

He’s been hit by an automobile 14 times.

It was all the same automobile.

I’ve been hitting Jeremy Schaftel in my automobile 14 times.

plastic surgery

I want to have do-me lines, those v-shaped muscles that point down to your howdoyado, but I want them to start much, much higher.  Like around my shoulders.  It’ll be like I had suspenders surgically implanted into my torso.

and that’s where we get the term “silverback”

“What if there aren’t stars anymore?” he asked in a hurried and panicked tone, hopped up on all sorts of uppers and downers and about half a Wonka Bar.  ”I mean, the way light years work, all the stars we see could have been dead for billions of years, right?  So what if everything in the sky is just a ghost, and there aren’t stars anymore?”  It’s a question that troubled his mind, but it especially troubled Mrs. Phillips’ 2nd grade class, who just wanted to enjoy the planetarium.

the worst part of a backrub is that sometimes you can feel his nipples graze your shoulders

Johnny lived in his car, because it was the only way he knew to drive to The Home Depot and make that store’s name literal.

Every once in a while, I’ll think that I understand the world around me.  But then I see that there’s a Yahoo Answers question called “What’s the best way to remove old hard caulk?” and there’s not a single joke answer.

if you have ho’s in different area codes, man your ho’s are too big

A really bad place to say “Whew, that feels good to get off my chest!” is a public restroom.

Everyone always gets onto people for walking around like they own the place.  But it’s really hard to look assertive when you’re crawling, so I don’t know what everybody wants me to do.

Parachute pants might be unpopular, but bungee pants are downright offensive.

ironically, muse has never inspired anyone

Do Japanese Jews call him G-dzilla?

Why is America shaped that way?  Is it because of all the maps?

Alice in Wonderland gave me unrealistic expectations about falling down a rabbit hole.  There weren’t any hallucinogens down there at all!  And that bottle that says “Drink Me”?  Yeah, that’s probably bum urine.

You made your bed, now lie in it.  You’re doing it backwards, by the way.

If a rolling stone gathers no moss, then somebody explain Keith Richards’ complexion.

Illiterate people must have a really tough time finding hidden passageways in old castles.

which is worse?

Pulling a fast one on somebody, or pulling a slow one onto somebody?

Peeing in the pool at a barbecue, or peeing into the pool at a barbecue?

ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone. also ain’t no things with cheese in them when cheese gone.

What if you were blind your whole life, but then one day you could see thanks to some experimental miracle surgery, but then when you could finally see, the human face was a lot more horrifying than you had ever imagined?

Maybe I’m amazed at the way you love me all the time, or maybe I’m afraid of the way I love you.  Or maybe I’m really easily amazed.  Oh my God peanut butter!

Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.  Fool me three times, alright knock it off douchebag.