you ever get the sneaking suspicion that you’ve been womanized?

People always say that it’s bad luck when a black cat crosses your path, but I think it’s probably worse luck if a black cat pounces on your face.

Everybody seems to enjoy doing the wave at sporting events, but not when you try to surf it.

I’m calling it right now.  The next hipster thing will be canteens.  There’s no joke there, I just figure it’s coming.  It’s the 40 of flasks.

In Cast Away, I think a good touch would have been for Wilson the volleyball to be able to talk to Tom Hanks, but he can only speak Dutch and only knows a few very basic English phrases.  Unfortunately, he doesn’t know “Please stop having sex with me, Tom Hanks.”

A more accurate title for Meet the Parents is Ben Stiller Disappoints Yet Another Family.