plastic surgery

I want to have do-me lines, those v-shaped muscles that point down to your howdoyado, but I want them to start much, much higher.  Like around my shoulders.  It’ll be like I had suspenders surgically implanted into my torso.

and that’s where we get the term “silverback”

“What if there aren’t stars anymore?” he asked in a hurried and panicked tone, hopped up on all sorts of uppers and downers and about half a Wonka Bar.  ”I mean, the way light years work, all the stars we see could have been dead for billions of years, right?  So what if everything in the sky is just a ghost, and there aren’t stars anymore?”  It’s a question that troubled his mind, but it especially troubled Mrs. Phillips’ 2nd grade class, who just wanted to enjoy the planetarium.

the worst part of a backrub is that sometimes you can feel his nipples graze your shoulders

Johnny lived in his car, because it was the only way he knew to drive to The Home Depot and make that store’s name literal.

Every once in a while, I’ll think that I understand the world around me.  But then I see that there’s a Yahoo Answers question called “What’s the best way to remove old hard caulk?” and there’s not a single joke answer.

if you have ho’s in different area codes, man your ho’s are too big

A really bad place to say “Whew, that feels good to get off my chest!” is a public restroom.

Everyone always gets onto people for walking around like they own the place.  But it’s really hard to look assertive when you’re crawling, so I don’t know what everybody wants me to do.

Parachute pants might be unpopular, but bungee pants are downright offensive.

ironically, muse has never inspired anyone

Do Japanese Jews call him G-dzilla?

Why is America shaped that way?  Is it because of all the maps?

Alice in Wonderland gave me unrealistic expectations about falling down a rabbit hole.  There weren’t any hallucinogens down there at all!  And that bottle that says “Drink Me”?  Yeah, that’s probably bum urine.

You made your bed, now lie in it.  You’re doing it backwards, by the way.

If a rolling stone gathers no moss, then somebody explain Keith Richards’ complexion.

Illiterate people must have a really tough time finding hidden passageways in old castles.

which is worse?

Pulling a fast one on somebody, or pulling a slow one onto somebody?

Peeing in the pool at a barbecue, or peeing into the pool at a barbecue?